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In the middle, lost somewhere

I shouldn't be posting. I've been trying hard to not post when I'm down. It's been a weird day today. I keep bumping into things that trouble me or make me feel like I'm out of tune, out of touch . . . just out.

Something about Billy that caught me off guard.

I'm not into stuff that friends of mine are into, so I feel odd . . . left out. I don't like some of the music they like for reasons they would most likely find foolish, stupid, stuffy. Or, I just don't know any of the groups. I went through the late 70s, all the 80s and the early 90s listening only to Christian Contemporary music. I haven't listened to any of that for almost a decade now. Now, I listen to mostly bluegrass, Celtic and some Alternative and softer Punk that my daughter picks out as stuff I might like. I'm still not "main stream".

I don't get into some of the sexual stuff (fanfic and fan-fantasy wise) that friends are into for reasons they would most likely see as foolish and "naive" or "immature"; though I don't see what makes their perspective "mature", it's just different from mine as mine is just different from theirs. Some aren't that into it, really, just dabbling I think, but I'm not into it. I'm outside again. (oddly enough, it shows up in some of my fantasies and is a turn on, sometimes I have read it and am sorta ok with it - other times it totally turns me off . . . why am I that vague and wishy-washy?)

I voice my feeliings and end up feeling like I get patted on the head like a child so I don't say much anymore. I fear I'll lose my friends or that they'll see me as nice, someone they'll be a friend with, but who is bit dense and pathetic. A "charity case" of sorts.

I'm not way conservative on most things, but I'm definitely not way liberal either.

I'm not an ardent Christian anymore, I'm not not a Christian, I'm not a "none of the above", I'm not "any of the above". I'm . . . ?

I'm not a hawk, I'm not a dove.

I don't fit in.

I need to fit in.

Or at least feel I'm ok even though I don't fit in.

( I think some people might be feeling it serves me right )

Maybe it's the old age thing. Maybe I'm not as young thinking and feeling as I have thought I am.

I disappoint myself and others 'cause I'm a fuddy-duddy.

But then again, I've held many of these opinions since I was in high school. Now that I think of it, they were not quite "in" then either - they were in the middle then too.

I hope I can get to sleep tonight. I've the feeling I'm going to get weepy and not be able to sleep over all this shite. ( yes, I'm naughty, I swear . . . but not really badly . . . again with being in the middle )

I've got in trouble in the past with teachers, once in high school and once in college, because of taking my stand firmly on the unfirm ground of the middle.

The last several years have been the hardest of my life in many ways. Right up there with my first year of marriage when I moved with hubby far from where I had friends to a place where I had no friends and felt totally out of my element. I wasn't a college grad (many had graduate degrees as well), I wasn't a career person, I didn't hold a job, I wasn't helping put my spouse through school. I felt stupid and useless. On the outside. To be pittied. Pathetic. The last ten to fifteen years have been like that to a certain extent. Not totally, there have been sand bars here and there to rest upon, but then it's back to feeling adrift.

Hard not knowing where I fit in. Feeling like I sorta fit in, kinda, mostly but not quite.

But then again . . .

Maybe it's just a bad day. Poor eating. Somewhat late at night.

Maybe it's not . . .

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
grey_wonderer
Jan. 9th, 2007 06:59 am (UTC)
I don't pick my friends because they enjoy 'everything' that I do or agree with 'everything' that I believe. I like people who have opinions of their own and ideas of their own. You and I don't have to have the same taste in music to get along well. Don't sell yourself short just because you have different opinions or tastes. I hate that you are feeling down. You are a terrific person and I am glad to know you. I'd love to sit down and have a long talk with you again soon if time and distance ever allow.

Smile, darling. You're going to be just fine. Just be yourself and take it from there.
pearltook1
Jan. 9th, 2007 07:12 am (UTC)
Thank you so much :-) I hope I didn't hurt, upset or offend you, that wasn't my intention, I just needed to vent. It's that I wonder about myself not others.

Thank you so much :-) for writing back and being so kind. (((((((GW)))))))

I just read your answer to my post . . . a gay Folco I could handle so I might go give it a read. I more have trouble with slashy Merry and Pippin stories.

Thank you again for being kind and tolerant :-)
grey_wonderer
Jan. 9th, 2007 03:19 pm (UTC)
No, I wasn't at all offended. I was just concerned about you. You seemed so down. I don't offend easily. It's part of my charm.

No, so far Falco is just a sort of over-the-top queen but Merry and Pippin aren't at all slashy. If you don't risk it, don't worry. I started this one mostly just to amuse myself. LOL I had the idea the other morning and decided that I needed to write comething completely silly, way out of canon, and just for fun. I sat down and wrote three full chapters and had a grand time. I didn't decided to post it until later that day. It was a release valve of sorts.
pearltook1
Jan. 9th, 2007 04:30 pm (UTC)
It is indeed part of your charm :-) I envy people who don't offend easily. I try to be that way - sometimes I'm better at it than others.

Again, thank you for caring. :-)
garnet_took
Jan. 9th, 2007 12:36 pm (UTC)
I had this long coment all written out, but when I went to post it, I wasn't logged in. When I logged in, it blew the comment away.

I'll just have to give you the short version, since I can't remember correctly everything I said.

The middle ground is just as valid as anywhere else. I am firmly planted there myself.

Flaunt your differences, they're what make you you.

If you haven't done it yet, go read GW's myster story. It's a hoot.

I, for one, like your writing and am looking forward to more of "Remembering Anew".

Oh, I found this post because, I felt comepelled to check a few journals that I follow even though I haven't friended them yet.

Take care.

Garnet Took.
pearltook1
Jan. 9th, 2007 03:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much, Garnet! (((((((((Garnet))))))))

It is good to know I'm not the only one in the middle :-)

I'm doing better after reading these nice posts, but am still a bit shaky this morning. I'll go read GW's story, I need a good laugh!

Thank you so very much again, Garnet :-)
garnet_took
Jan. 9th, 2007 05:16 pm (UTC)
Glad you're feeling a little better. Don't worry abut pleasing anybody but yourself. Your true friends will respect you, no matter what you do. They may roll their eyes, but they'll still love you. Trust me, my friends roll theirs a lot.:) I know they still care, theough, because they don't run away. And I know several of your friends who have no plans to run away.

On the subject of choosing not to read, or write, certain kinds of stories; I actually told a mutual(don't know if I spelled that right) friend of ours not to read one of my posts to my LJ because I had written somehting that I knew she would not like--it was something I usually would never write--and I didn't want to disturb her. I don't think any less of her because she wouldn't want to read it, and I don't think, once she was over the shock, that she thinks any less of me for writing it.

Hope the day gets brighter and brighter for you.

GT.
pearltook1
Jan. 10th, 2007 12:09 am (UTC)
Thank you once more :-) Wise words of encouragement, thank you. The day has improved as it mosied along. I'm quite tired, but I won't go to bed until something close to my usual time. Otherwise I'll wake up waaaaayyyyy too early.

Many Hugs!

Pearl
captnblood
Jan. 9th, 2007 01:02 pm (UTC)
Whoa, my dear YOUNG lady,

First, you are a human being.
Second, you have class.
Third, as a human being you have made mistakes - we all have.
Fourth, you are yourself and recognize that and are courageous enough to both recognize and pubicly admit to those shortcomings even knowing that it is quite possible that others may be quick to use those admissions as a grounds f/ thinking less of you or even using those admissions against you f/ their own agenda.
Fifth, as I stated in "second", you have class and that is only more firmly emphasized by how "fourth" describes you.

I sometimes make mistakes when picking friends (very rarely, but it does happen), and what is much worse, however, I sometimes make mistakes w/ those friends just as they sometimes make many mistakes w/ me. But unless you have murdered or tortured someone or some poor animal you are not a horrible person, again that does not mean that you have never made a mistake or acted a wee bit rash a couple times in your whole life, because again you are human. And I can not tell you how much respect I have f/ the people that are mature enough to admit to their own issues/shortcomings/faults and own up to their mistakes instead of incessently whining about those that don't march to the status quo or "their" view of perfection in their own tiny little perfect worlds as so very many repeatly do. Again, you are a person of inherent class, my friend.

And right now I must run as I am once again very late f/ the shower.

CB
pearltook1
Jan. 9th, 2007 03:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you, mon ami Capitaine! ((((((((((Cap'nB)))))))))

As always, your words are galant and kind. Thank you :-)

I hope to exercise today and go to fencing tonight. They say such things are good for improving one's mood, I hope "they" are right ;-)

Bless you for taking time to encourage me as you are trying to get ready for work. You, sir, are most kind.

Merci.

A bientot, mon Capitaine
captnblood
Jan. 10th, 2007 02:00 am (UTC)
Gentille madame,

My deepest, most sincerely bow to you.

Yes, excercise is very good f/ ones outlook. And fencing is grand as it helps to relieve stress and other pent up emotions.

Now if exercise would just make me realize that I REALLY need to proof my stupid self before hitting the "post" button. Please don't read my earlier post too carefully, mon cher. It "makes me into blushing" - lol! I told you I was in a rush this AM!!!!

My best mon amie,

CB
quasievil_bunny
Jan. 9th, 2007 11:14 pm (UTC)
Post away and get as emo as you need to! Your friends are here to listen. Winter blues seem to be in full swing right now, so you are not alone in that.

If we were all the same, that would make for a very boring world. And for those who don't "get" those of us who don't fit any of the pre-established "acceptable" molds? Their loss.

This from someone who is finally embracing her own "weirdness". I don't just march to a different drummer, I've got a whole derned marching band of my own!

Huggles! You got friends.
pearltook1
Jan. 10th, 2007 12:13 am (UTC)
Thank you sooooo much, dear Wednesday! (((((((Wednesday))))))

I think I might have a bluegrass/newgrass/Celtic/neoCeltic band traipsing about with me, LOL!

Many hugs to you! It is so good to have friends :-)
rosamundeb
Jan. 10th, 2007 03:23 am (UTC)
I feel just the same way as you, sometimes. It's hard work trying to stay up on music nowadays, so I'm thankful for the friends that tip me off to good bands, but what's wrong with bluegrass, etc.? As to true "mainstream" - even with all the music I listen to, I usually don't know 95% of the top 40.

And nothing wrong with your choices on what to read. I slooowly got pulled over to the "dark side" (*G*) and enjoy it ow, but spent a long time resisting it, too, so I respect that.

I've been feeling rather lonely myself, after moving to Indy, and moving back again. Thank goodness for LJ!
pearltook1
Jan. 11th, 2007 04:21 am (UTC)
Thank you so much, Ros! You're one of the ones I fear I let down, put off, what have you, re: the music and the reading preferences - so this is special coming from you. (((((Rosamunde))))

Yes, thank goodness for LJ and the forums I go to :-)

And thank goodness for friends like you!

Extra love and hugs 'cause you're feeling lonely too!
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )