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In the middle, lost somewhere

I shouldn't be posting. I've been trying hard to not post when I'm down. It's been a weird day today. I keep bumping into things that trouble me or make me feel like I'm out of tune, out of touch . . . just out.

Something about Billy that caught me off guard.

I'm not into stuff that friends of mine are into, so I feel odd . . . left out. I don't like some of the music they like for reasons they would most likely find foolish, stupid, stuffy. Or, I just don't know any of the groups. I went through the late 70s, all the 80s and the early 90s listening only to Christian Contemporary music. I haven't listened to any of that for almost a decade now. Now, I listen to mostly bluegrass, Celtic and some Alternative and softer Punk that my daughter picks out as stuff I might like. I'm still not "main stream".

I don't get into some of the sexual stuff (fanfic and fan-fantasy wise) that friends are into for reasons they would most likely see as foolish and "naive" or "immature"; though I don't see what makes their perspective "mature", it's just different from mine as mine is just different from theirs. Some aren't that into it, really, just dabbling I think, but I'm not into it. I'm outside again. (oddly enough, it shows up in some of my fantasies and is a turn on, sometimes I have read it and am sorta ok with it - other times it totally turns me off . . . why am I that vague and wishy-washy?)

I voice my feeliings and end up feeling like I get patted on the head like a child so I don't say much anymore. I fear I'll lose my friends or that they'll see me as nice, someone they'll be a friend with, but who is bit dense and pathetic. A "charity case" of sorts.

I'm not way conservative on most things, but I'm definitely not way liberal either.

I'm not an ardent Christian anymore, I'm not not a Christian, I'm not a "none of the above", I'm not "any of the above". I'm . . . ?

I'm not a hawk, I'm not a dove.

I don't fit in.

I need to fit in.

Or at least feel I'm ok even though I don't fit in.

( I think some people might be feeling it serves me right )

Maybe it's the old age thing. Maybe I'm not as young thinking and feeling as I have thought I am.

I disappoint myself and others 'cause I'm a fuddy-duddy.

But then again, I've held many of these opinions since I was in high school. Now that I think of it, they were not quite "in" then either - they were in the middle then too.

I hope I can get to sleep tonight. I've the feeling I'm going to get weepy and not be able to sleep over all this shite. ( yes, I'm naughty, I swear . . . but not really badly . . . again with being in the middle )

I've got in trouble in the past with teachers, once in high school and once in college, because of taking my stand firmly on the unfirm ground of the middle.

The last several years have been the hardest of my life in many ways. Right up there with my first year of marriage when I moved with hubby far from where I had friends to a place where I had no friends and felt totally out of my element. I wasn't a college grad (many had graduate degrees as well), I wasn't a career person, I didn't hold a job, I wasn't helping put my spouse through school. I felt stupid and useless. On the outside. To be pittied. Pathetic. The last ten to fifteen years have been like that to a certain extent. Not totally, there have been sand bars here and there to rest upon, but then it's back to feeling adrift.

Hard not knowing where I fit in. Feeling like I sorta fit in, kinda, mostly but not quite.

But then again . . .

Maybe it's just a bad day. Poor eating. Somewhat late at night.

Maybe it's not . . .


Jan. 9th, 2007 04:30 pm (UTC)
It is indeed part of your charm :-) I envy people who don't offend easily. I try to be that way - sometimes I'm better at it than others.

Again, thank you for caring. :-)