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Ponderings

Hi,

Dear Captain Blood suggested that I write what comes to mind and let the chips fall as they may.

A dangerous proposition.

Well, two years ago this past week I was running off on a last minute trip to Pittsburgh, PA to hear the Lord of the Rings Symphony played by the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra, with special guest singer Billy Boyd. July 22nd, 2005 was a dream come true. I got to meet Billy Boyd and give him a piece of calligraphy I made of his song - music and lyrics as the lyrics are J.R.R.Tolkien's, the music is Billy's. The evening happened as I had hoped it would - better in fact. And I have photos and a video of it all to remember it by.

*sigh*

This year has been a year of missing such wonderful opportunities. I should by no means grouse. I had my magical year in 2005 - meeting Billy then going to England and Scotland and meeting some neat folks at Tolkien 2005. But I have felt down over missing out on some great stuff this year. In particular, a meeting of Tolkien fanfiction writers that is happening this Sept. in Scotland.

Weddings.

There are weddings which have been talked about here on previous posts. All is progressing nicely for each one.

✻ ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻ ✻

I'm still writing on "The Blessing". I fear that it is going too long on the current "theme" but there isn't much I can do as it is what Golden wants and it is more her story than mine. She wanted to have Pippin be in a very poor, very dependent condition - like many patients she has worked with. So she wanted him to spend some time in a condition that can befall people with epilepsy that is called status epilepticus.

It is a condition in which the person has continuous, or very nearly continuous seizures, most commonly brought on by the patient suddenly not taking their medicines [which is what we have Pippin doing]. If it happens with the grand mal type seizures, it can be fatal. With any of the multitude of other types of seizures, it incapacitates. With the type of epilepsy we have given to Pippin, status reduces him to a severe stupor. He's in diapers, drooling, loses most of his food down the front of himself, his eyes are open but unseeing and just kind of wander around.

To get in all the scenes she has wanted for this, we have now had him this way for about two chapters. Recovery (in RL) is usually not very fast, so he's going to be needing about one and a half to two chapters to recover.

For some of us, that's a lot to go through - me in particular.

I'm not comfortable around severely handicapped people. Never have been. So this has been VERY hard to write. It has helped a bit that she let me have Merry be uncomfortable with it - like I am. Though I'm sure he has done much better than I would.

I'm anxious to get past it and on with the rest of the story.

✢ ✢ ✢ ✢ ✢ ✢ ✢ ✢ ✢ ✢ ✢ ✢ ✢

I'm going round and round with my faith/religion/beliefs again.

Christianity (according to many - especially Americans) is supposed to be a faith that give the believer joy. Not no problems (though some would say otherwise) but the ability to go through the problems with a joyful heart/spirit. (I'll add here, Mother Teresa was big on this as well and I do have a lot of respect for her)

I apparently warp Christianity.

For me, I end up more tied up in knots than I already am. God is one more person to try to please who I am unable to please. One more person with standards I seem to be totally unable to live up to. I've been told that doesn't affect/change his love for me or my salvation . . . but I find that hard to believe.

Mind you, I've had times of great joy as a Christian, but more of the time I feel wretched.

I find much of it horribly confusing . . . yet, I often have been able to help other people see it more clearly.

Weird.

I guess I know it in my head but don't believe it for myself. Interesting double standard.

Anyway, I've been feeling drawn back to it all again. I've been listening to Christian Contemporary music a bit more. I've been thinking about God and faith and such more than I have for a while. But once more, along with it comes all the "I'm not good enough." shit. All the, "I'm just fooling myself and I'm one of the goats that God is going to separate out, one of the lukewarm wussies he's going to spit out of his mouth when all is said and done." thoughts have come flooding back. (if you know the New Testament well, that latter will make sense)

I do believe that Jesus is "the way". Like there is only one arrangement of atoms that makes gold or lead, or one arrangement of molecules to make water or anything else in the universe. You change one atom - remove it or add an extra of it - and you have something different. That's just the way it is, like it or not. Ask any chemist you meet.

That said though, I'm just not as uptight about a lot of the "rules and regulations" as many "good" Christians are.

*sigh*

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Enough of this :-)

I hope all of you are well. I've been trying to get around and read people's journals, but haven't got very far yet. I'll keep working at it :-)

Love and hugs to all!

Pearl

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
garnet_took
Jul. 29th, 2007 06:14 pm (UTC)
These are sometimes the best posts because they really are what is important in your mind at the moment.

I can kind of relate about the letdown that this year has been. I really wanted to go to the moot in Scotland, too. Unfortunately, I spent all my extra money on the trips we took last summer; plust, I could not have pulled the Wee One out of school for that long due to state-wide testing. Oh well, something will work out. I'm working on puting together something locally next summeer. We'll see how that comes together.

I am loving "The Blessing". Yes, it is hard to read right now, but there is still hope. I told someone the other night that you do plan to put your toys away almost as neatly as you found them.:)

As for the faith thing, I see where you're coming from. I hope I'm not sounding flip with this, or anything. God calls us to be the best people we can be, not something we can never acchieve. Joy is more like accepting things as they are and having the faith that everything will work out for His will, not being happy in hard times. We can still have and show all the emotions common to humanity, and anyone who says they are always a happy Christian, is lying through their teeth.

If you want to talk to someone, just e-mail me.

Thanks for such a thoughtful post.
pearltook1
Jul. 29th, 2007 06:40 pm (UTC)
If you need help with planning the get together for next year :-) Although, depending on how much the trip to Montana for Justin's weather costs, next year might not be all that good foe me either :-\. Something State side would be a whole lot easier to manage :-)

Thanks for the encouragement on faith as well and for the offer to email you. I just might take you up on it :-)
shirebound
Jul. 29th, 2007 06:24 pm (UTC)
*hugs you right back*
pearltook1
Jul. 29th, 2007 06:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you, dear shirebound :-)

I've been wondering, did I chase you away from the story?

I hope not.
shirebound
Jul. 29th, 2007 06:47 pm (UTC)
I'll check back after awhile to see how things are going. I'm just not comfortable reading portions of stories that make me sad, or where the characters are feeling despair or hopelessness.
pearltook1
Jul. 29th, 2007 07:00 pm (UTC)
I have to go out with my hubby - I write you later :-) Thank you for letting me know. I'd missed you :-)
mysteriousways1
Aug. 3rd, 2007 03:33 am (UTC)
Dahrling, you should try being Catholic and living down the embarresment that is Pope Benny. Get this, because of Benny, some of the parishes have taken to doing the mass in Latin! There is even one locally doing that. JPII must be rolling in his grave.

You know you needn't worry about following any rules as you know them, according to your protestant back ground becase according Pope Benny, unless your Catholic you are screwed.

May I recomend that you go out and find yourself a copy of "Joshua- A Parable for Today". It really is a most inspiring book for the person that feeling confused in faith and matters of following rules or organized religeon.

Be well, Dahrling.
pearltook1
Aug. 3rd, 2007 04:33 am (UTC)
Thank you, I'll look into it :-)

Actually, wasn't the mass better when you couldn't understand it?

Yes that does seem a giant step backwards.

That's ok, Protestants think Catholics are screwed. I guess that makes us even - or something. :-)
darkintolight
Aug. 8th, 2007 10:08 pm (UTC)
Hey Pearl! Thought I'd drop by here to see what's up after you wrote such cool comments on my blog.

I completely commiserate with what you're going through now--in so many protestant American churches, if you're not feeling the Joy of the Lord, then obviously you're not trying hard enough, or you don't have enough faith, or even worse, you're not really saved.

It's so distressing--especially because it's so unrealistic. And it forces us to be fake with each other, forces us to pretend to be happy and cover up our doubts, from fear of showing weakness to each other. And this fools nobody. Not ourselves, and especially not outsiders who can see our fake smiles for what they really are when we don't want to admit it to ourselves.

So anyway, I've been there. I remember being eaten up by fear for many years after a high school youth group that Jesus would reject me because I was lukewarm because I couldn't get excited enough about church, after they preached on that letter to the church in Laodicea in Revelation: "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth." (3:15-16)

But guess what? This should be heartening.... I was in a bible study class this year, and our leader called that one of the most misused verses in the Bible--the way we use it today (that we must be on fire for Jesus all the time--if we're only halfway for him, it's better to not be for him at all because he will reject us in the end) is actually a wrong interpretation in context.

This was an image specifically meant for the church of Laodicea at the time. Laodicea had a lack of an adequate water supply-- it was halfway located between a hot spring and a cold spring, and the water mixed in Laodicea so their water was lukewarm. The water didn't have the medicinal properties of hot spring water, nor could it be drunk like the cold spring water. It was useless, so they had to ship water from elsewhere into the city.

The next part of the letter details how the Laodiceans were rich and comfortable, trusting their wealth to support them. But in reality, the letter says, they are blind and naked without God, and should seek the wealth the Lord provides.

So then the image of lukewarm water doesn't mean that we must be on fire for God or not at all. It means that the Laodiceans weren't useful to God because they'd become complacent. They were trusting in their worldly wealth and not on God's spiritual wealth.

This message has some obvious implications for us Americans, who are so wealthy and comfortable compared to the rest of the world. We don't want to become useless to God because we're so comfortable that no longer "need" to trust his provision.

But I don't believe that Jesus will reject you or any of us for not feeling joy.

BIG hugs,
Beth
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )