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Why bother?


You can feel vindicated. I feel like shite. I'm down and depressed and you most likely are just wonderful because you aren't like that anymore. I haven't always been forcoming on here of late because I figure I'll get some condescending pat on the head because you have your act together and I'm falling apart. knife in the gut shove over the edge You won't mean it that way but that is what it will feel like.

I'm assuming the person that is written to will know who he/she is. Though I shouldn't assume.

I wish I could just disappear. I'm fried and frazzled and I wish I could just vanish. Everything I've touched of late has turned into something frustrating and depressing. I'm losing things that are important to me, people that are important to me.

At least it seems that way.

But I'm sure it is mostly because I'm being negative.

I want to run but I've nowhere to go. I can't hold a job so I couldn't support myself. And why bother - I'm my problem and I would be taking me with me.

Cue the theme to M*A*S*H with the lyrics included.
(How many of you know what they are?)

Then again, good! I actually sorta have a reason for feeling down and like shite! Two of the three reasons are piddly and stupid, but they are reasons :-)

If I could figure a painless way . . . that is fool proof . . .

I'd still most likely chicken out. Too afraid of what I'd be like if/when I fail.

We'll see what happens. I may not have a marriage right here on the verge of my daughter's wedding. Won't that be fun :-)

I'm losing something else I really care about as well. And the fanfic I'm cowriting is once more getting my knickers in a twist.

But then, no one is dying. No one is incapcitated. No one is starving. No one in the immediate family that is . . . so I should be happy and fine.

"What, me worry?"


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 13th, 2007 06:37 am (UTC)
Ah, I know the words to the song. I don't think suicide is the answer.

I'm so sorry about your marriage problems. I do hope that can be worked out and I also hope that you don't take this response as some condescending pat on the head because it isn't intended that way. Real people have real problems and sometimes they do seem like more than we can stand. I am truly sorry that you are suffering through this right now. Email me if you think I can be of help or if you just want to vent. I just vented in my latest journal post. Seems like the night for it.

I have no pat answers and no happy horse-shit to dispense at this moment and I doubt that's what you're looking for anyway. Just know that if you need to talk I'm around.
Aug. 14th, 2007 01:57 am (UTC)
Thank you :-) so much!

You are a dear. I read your journal entry. How do you do it? How do you laugh and find funny things when you are ticked?

You are so cool!

Hope the rest of the week goes better!
Aug. 14th, 2007 02:03 am (UTC)
I hope things are better for you too. We both deserve better, don't we? (((((HUGS)))))

I will be thinking of you and I do mean it when I say if you want to vent, email me! You have to remember, you have friends out here and we'd all love to help. As my StarWars friends say, "Don't go to the dark side."
Aug. 14th, 2007 02:24 am (UTC)
"Don't go to the Dark Side."

I love it!

Yoda talks about me in "Empire Strikes Back"

"Long I have watched this one. Never *her* mind on where *she* is, what *she* is doing."

All right - so he was talking about Luke Skywalker, but that fits me to a tee!

I do forget. That's one of the biggest ways LJ helps me.

Thank you for being a good, fear friend :-)

Aug. 15th, 2007 01:13 am (UTC)
You can learn a lot from Star Wars. It may not be Tolkien but sometimes we all need to 'use the force' a little more and stress a little less.

Or as they say in CaddyShack: "See the ball. Be the ball." LOL
Aug. 13th, 2007 07:49 am (UTC)
Chere LPT,

Yes, I know the words to "...Painless", but we are NOT going there. How you feel is not unimportant, nor is it trite, nor meaningless. You are a fine and wonderful person. I have had the pleasure of meeting you. I have had the pleasure of hugging you. You are a warm and sensitive and unique human being/hobbitt. Now I want you to remember something. Virtually everything (aside from God) in all of our lives is of but a temporary nature - in one way or another it's all temporary whether we like to admit it or not. But that is the cold hard fact. Even we are, at least in this form, temporary. And none of these temporary things (no matter how good or how bad) that happen to us, and to others, are, to be quite honest, worthy of causing the termination of the greatest gift that any thing can possibly have. That is the gift of life. We are all, no matter what age, rushing headlong at a breakneck speed to our end in this world. That will come far too soon enough all of its own accord.

LPT, you are both intelligent and wise. Too wise to be speaking of complete desolation and escape, and too intelligent to not find true solutions (even though they may seem tough at the moment) to that which may currently seem like the weight of an entire mountain range bearing down upon you. You are too intelligent to not realize what it is that you fear the most - it is what most people truly fear the most way, way deep down inside sometimes hidden so deep that some can hardly dredge it up to face it f/ what it is and, if ever necessary, to meet it head on and to defeat it and to move on and f/ward and to forge a new life f/ oneself. We all fear being alone, and either not being able to support and care f/ oneself either due to loss/abandonment or to age.

We have little control over any of those things and that is why (and I guess I should maybe exclude those who are lucky enough to have an abundance of wealth to live out their lives in security, at least to some extent) we fear them happening to us so very much, especially as one ages. But the cold hard fact is that one way or another all humans eventually move on. Physically out of our lives, or we out of theirs; but that is what a part of life is about. And it is often hard to deal w/ and hard to tighten our belts and focus our minds upon what life really is at certain times and reach f/ a pair of tough leather work gloves and just flat out make up your mind that this will not be the thing that causes you to give up that greatest of all gifts - God's gift of life and love. There are sunrises you have not seen. There are smiles you have not smiled. There are wonderful people that you have not met yet, nor have they had the pleasure of meeting you. And yes, you may have to look your fear of being self supportive in the eye and maybe even being somewhat alone in different ways, but far too many people who know you know what a really wonderful person you are...you just don't know it yourself. And I also know that if you are willing to make up your mind to be strong and to really dig in you will find that sunrises and smiles are really much more important than all the other trash in our lives.
Jeez, LPT, I bearly know you and I care about you. Just think about all of the people who know and love you so much more than I do...do you really think they don't care...

Good night my friend,


now wake up in the morning and read this and take a good solid deep breath and smile and go look at the sunrise and tackle the world if it needs it and then get back up and dust yourself off and tackle it again if it jumps back up quicker than you told it to...just don't fear it so very much because it is only through that fear that it defeats us
Aug. 14th, 2007 02:04 am (UTC)
Mon Capitaine, mon ami,

Thank you so much. How I wish I could see the me others seem to see - without letting it turn me into a bloated egotist ;-)

You are so kind and encouraging to myself and so many others. We are blessed having you as a friend.

Warm hugs to you and LL :-)
Aug. 14th, 2007 02:55 am (UTC)
Chere LPT,

I thank you f/ your kind words, but I must confess that I amas you must know, a self-proclaimed egotist. I rant, theref/e I am - lol, m'lady.

So glad to hear that things are maybe a bit brighter today...and it is important that we never f/get that very lesson.

And now I must go post, but again I do thank you f/ your so very dear words, my friend.


Aug. 13th, 2007 11:54 am (UTC)
Oh dear! I don't know what to say. I don't want to sound trite or superficial.

What you are going through is horrible, but you can survive it. I know the words to the M.A.S.H. theme, and just thinking about them scares me to death.

You have a lot of people who care about you. Please know that.

If you want to talk, or want a shoulder to cry on, e-mail me.
Aug. 14th, 2007 02:06 am (UTC)
You don't and you never have :-)

Thank you for taking time to encourage and let me know you're there.

I'm better, as todays post says.


thanks and warm hugs
Aug. 14th, 2007 12:03 am (UTC)
It sounds cliched, but hang in there. No condescending pats from me (more likely a bonk on the noggin).


Email me if you want to go into more detail. Or if you want to run away, I'll be in indianapolis this weekend. Let me know if you want to camp out.
Aug. 14th, 2007 02:08 am (UTC)
Running sounds glorious! But this is the first regular weekend Hubby has had in three weeks, so I needs stay home - since our wee talk went well.

Thank you for the offer to come hide for a bit :-)

I need bonking ;-)

Warm hugs and many thanks, m'dear!
Aug. 15th, 2007 11:26 pm (UTC)
Think in British terms, and re-read that 3rd paragraph of yours. I nearly did a spit-take!

My, what a racy thing to say!


Aug. 16th, 2007 01:33 am (UTC)
:-| ?

I thought I know British slang fairly well, but you've lost me on this. What did I say that's racy?
Aug. 20th, 2007 10:37 pm (UTC)
Bonk - Same meaning as shag. Means to have sex. E.g. "Did you bonk him/her?".

Aug. 20th, 2007 11:41 pm (UTC)
Ahhh! Yep, that was racy! LOL LOL

Thanks for the definition :-)
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )